Monthly Archives: February 2016

How I wish I could have believed those four words at 17! Or at 25! Or even at 35! Even now, at 45 ( for one more week), I still sometimes have to tell myself:"Don't push yourself so hard. You are good enough!" Do you also battle to maintain a good self esteem? 

What has changed for me lately ? Well, there is a motivational quote I read recently by Goi Nasu that reads: "An entire sea of water can't sink a ship, unless it gets inside a ship."

 

It is amazing when I think back over my life, how much of the "sea" I allowed to get into my "ship"! At times I really believed that I had absolutely no value and no worth! I took everything people said to heart; I was hurt by so many external things! How does a person get to such a low point? 

Let's explore the sea of things that can affect how we feel about ourselves:

1. Home / Family:

Relationships with your parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, etc. influence your self esteem. This is because you ‘copy’ their attitudes and reactions when you are still young and this influences the way you think of yourself and others.

2. Work / School:

Relationships with classmates, teachers, administrators and counsellors influence your self esteem, due to the result of you learning from others. Experiences with schoolwork, extracurricular activities, sports, discipline, etc. can also play an important role.

3. Feedback from others:

What others tell you about yourself, how they look at you and how they treat you as a person; what important people (friends, family, teachers, role-models) say about you.

4. Genetics:

In this interesting study below, it was found that genetics play a lesser role in self esteem, and especially so in girls. The role of genetics in the self esteem of boys was marginally higher in the study.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2084483/#__abstractid763223title

5. Consequences/happenings:

These are those Life events that leave a lasting impression on you. The good and the bad decisions and choices you make. How you face the consequences of these choices impacts on how you feel about yourself. 

6. Handling / Coping Ability:

How do you deal with challenges and opportunities? How you handle situations trains you to build self esteem. These skills can be developed.

7. Success:

Through achieving goals you should feel an improvement in self esteem. 

8. Popularity:

How much other people seek your company and value your opinion can influence self esteem a lot.

9. Media:

How the media portrays the ideal "woman", "mother" or any other generalization can be quite damaging, should you happen to not be able to conform...and the irony is that most people don't! 

As I always say, people are deeply complex beings. Each person is affected differently by these 9 factors and so many unique permutations are generated. Handle the waves and don't let the sea get into your ship! 

All I know is that it doesn't matter that:

  • I may not be as athletic or intelligent as I would like to be
  • I may not be as mature or kind as I would like to be
  • I may be a bit of a geeky nerd with an odd sense of humour
  • My social skills often let me down
  • I may not be the most popular person

BUT in spite of all the above, regardless of what I am not, or what mistakes I may have made - I AM GOOD ENOUGH. 

And SO.ARE.YOU!

 

It is week 2 of the home-schooling project with my son, Adrian. This week has been a lot harder than week 1. I think the reality of it all has set in. Adrian is realising how much work it actually is. He is struggling to maintain motivation to continue working and his enthusiasm for the project is becoming less. He is complaining about how little free time he has and he is sleeping a lot as he is feeling very tired. Part of his Asperger’s is co-morbid depression and this is going to be the enemy we need to defeat.

Before we started, I did tell him that it was going to be hard and that he had 3 months to think about it. He chose to go ahead. We have all invested as a family – our time, our commitment and also our money. Therefore, we must continue and most of all HE must continue. Perhaps I am a little bit mean to force him like this, but I am not prepared to let him quit. Especially not in week 2!

So, therefore I am writing this piece about the myth of overnight success so that he can see what it takes to reach that tough goal you have set for yourself.

Success looks so easy when other people achieve it, doesn’t it? But the truth is, we never know how much work went into it, or how many times that person failed and tried again. I found this article about the myth of overnight success:

myth-32-success-happens-overnight

IMG_2815

So, now that we know it takes an enormous amount of work and a long time to be successful, should we just give up? NO! So then, what should we do to achieve that seemingly impossible goal? These are my tips and life lessons for achieving success:

  1. Eat the elephant one bite at a time

An enormous and far distant goal is seldom achievable. You get dis-heartened because the finish line is so far way and on top of that it’s hard to focus on something that is years away. So take that enormous goal, and break it down into smaller goals that you need to achieve along the way.

I would recommend that your smaller goals not be longer than 3 months in duration. It is easy to focus on 12 weeks. You can break this into even smaller milestones – perhaps weekly.

If you measure your progress every week, you will notice very soon if you are starting to slip off the path, and be able to correct this by changing your behaviour or getting appropriate help with something you are struggling with. If you only measure every three months, or every year even (I’m thinking new years’ resolutions…), imagine how far things could be going wrong by the time you notice that you slipped off your chosen path? Imagine how de-motivated you would be if you have to re-do 3 months’ worth of work or longer? Perhaps this is why so many people fail to achieve those goals that they set at the beginning of the year, and then only evaluate again at the end of the year.

So, the gist of this is to measure and assess your progress at least weekly. Take set-backs in your stride and find solutions.

2baee79

  1. Add some honey to sweeten the meal

Now that you have broken your “elephant” into bite size pieces, how do you stay motivated to eat those pieces, every.single.day? As you can imagine, one does grow quite tired of eating that elephant!

I like to play a little motivation game with myself to help me continue to eat the elephant. I set rewards for achieving my milestones and mini goals; perhaps an activity I love to do, or a break, or a small gift to myself. Something like a movie, time pursuing a favourite hobby, a slab of my favourite dark chocolate. This works!

Of course, you have to be disciplined enough that you do not allow yourself the reward if you did not achieve the goal.

  1. Don’t get stuck on eating only the elephant

Sometimes we become so focused on achieving our goal that we forget to take care of the other parts of ourselves. For instance, if your goal is an educational/intellectual one, try to incorporate some physical activity and some creative pursuits into your schedule, just to prevent fatigue.

Also, work on improving focus and concentration. Your brain can be trained to become better at this with continuous practice. If you are studying, or performing a physically repetitive exercise, you may struggle with concentration in the beginning, but this will improve. Consciously avoid getting distracted by telling your inner voice: “not now, I am busy right now”. I found the following BBC article very amusing and interesting:

concentrate-how-to-focus-better

Remove distractions from your work space. If you love playing computer games, don’t study where you play games. Switch off your cell-phone. You get the drift.

  1. With a little help from my friends

If you get stuck and you really can’t face another bite of the damn elephant, ask for help. There will be someone with the right knowledge or skill that you can ask, or perhaps just a friend with whom you can discuss your feelings and be motivated by them. Most successes take a whole team of people to achieve, behind the scenes.

Professional athletes, for instance, typically have a manager, a coach, a physiotherapist, a sport psychologist, a biokineticist, a dietician and of course their family and friends to support them.

Of course, you need to understand the problem so that you can ask for the right help. So be honest with yourself. Remember that you are human and that you have emotions, however silly these may seem at the time. Evaluate the stumbling block and then approach the person that you believe can help you.

  1. Celebrate your successes

Whenever you achieve a goal, make an enormous big deal out of it. Celebrate the living daylights out of it! It will become a good memory that you can use to motivate you to reach the next goal. Remember the feeling of achievement and call on it when you need to visualise your next success. See yourself there, in that moment, but now celebrating your next goal. This is a powerful weapon against depression and de-motivation.

I hope this article will help a little bit. In closing all I can say is we all have the same 24 hours in a day. How we choose to prioritise and spend those hours is up to each of us. You are ultimately the master of your own destiny and you have to accept responsibility for your own success.

PS - I would NEVER eat an elephant. I love elephants!

elephant-to-jpeg-2

I was reminded by a recent comment from someone regarding standard fitness test  results that made her feel offended, about how over the top our measurements of success ( and personal value) are these days. We too often allow these measurements to affect our motivation and our estimation of our own value. I need to say a few things about how we measure ourselves:

1. BMI (Body mass index) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to adult men and women. It is extremely inaccurate. All it works out is how much you weigh vs how tall you are and compares you to the "norm". It can not calculate how much of your weight is fat and  how much of your weight is muscle and that is why it is flawed as a measure of your state of physical wellbeing. It doesn't cater for the differences between delicate build vs stronger build individuals either.

2. The scale. Your weight can change from hour to hour. You can get different weight reading on different scales. Your hormone level, water retention and clothes can affect your weight. What the scale really measures is the gravitational pull of the earth on your body. Think about it. Can this really be a reflection of your worth as a human being? 

3. Other people. There will most likely always be someone smarter, fitter, leaner, prettier or whatever you are measuring, than what you are. It is really a waste of time comparing yourself to others and trying to be more like them. People are all different from one another. We are complex beings. Rather compare yourself against your own milestones and achievements. And remember to congratulate yourself for your successes. Many of these commercial fitness assessments don't cater for our individual differences - that is why they are really not worth all that much. 

I am sure I don't need to explain how bad the portrayal of the "ideal woman" in the media is as a measure of self worth! Just don't even go there!

The last people impact is from "frenemies", "haters" and abusive coaches / trainers. If input from others makes you feel worse about yourself - cut them out of the loop! A good coach will not lie to you but will leave you feeling good about the effort you are putting in and motivated to continue.

Your thoughts and motivation determine your success. Don't therefore allow silly measurements and comparisons to demotivate you. By mastering the ability to positively influence your own thoughts, you can achieve excellent results. 

I'm not saying that getting fit and healthy can be done only by thought, but rather that it cannot be done without the power of positive, conscious thought. 

Additional reading in this interesting article: 

http://psychology.about.com/od/PositivePsychology/a/benefits-of-positive-thinking.htm